(lime’-jelo)

“An Absurd Fable”

nce upon a time there lived a very rich queen who was terribly powerful, but also terribly ugly as well. Once, somehow by chance she had managed to have a daughter out of an illegitimate love affair. Fortunately, through no fault of her own, the queen’s daughter was very beautiful. The entire kingdom was in love with the beautiful daughter and showered her with gifts and loads of special attention. As a result, Vera (that was the name of the illegitimate princess), was extremely spoiled and self-centered. This didn’t however, seem to detract in any way from her public image.

Queen Leena was quite content to let the attentions of the kingdom center on her beautiful daughter so that she could concentrate more of her efforts on playing bridge, collecting shiny rocks, and ruling with an iron fist. Ruling wasn’t of great importance to Queen Leena, but one of her most passionate beliefs was that everyone in the kingdom should demonstrate “virtue” which she described as being extremely boring and having no interests in anything except writing bad poetry about how much one loves the royal court and how they believe that everything in existence is related to a small and terribly rare type of frog.

This is not a story about virtue, the royal court, or incredibly rare frogs. This isn’t a story about shiny rocks either (although they are quite fascinating in that they have a great number of bizarre and highly improbable uses). Instead this is a story about Princess Vera, the great peril that she encounters, and how little she learns from the entire experience.

Twelve days before the princess was about to turn twenty-one (a truly important age for princesses), she was kidnapped by a mysterious stranger dressed in black (No, not the mysterious stranger, just a mysterious stranger). The whole kingdom was very upset, for you see, her birthday was the day that she would choose who would be allowed to take her hand in marriage. Queen Leena was quite upset as well. This whole kidnapped princess thing was going to surely interrupt her bridge playing. It was crucial that Princess Vera be rescued in time for her birthday, so Queen Leena ordered that the most virtuous knight in the land be sought out and brought to her court so that she may order him to rescue the princess.

Two days later, the most virtuous and mighty knight was brought before the Queen. His name was Mario: That Guy Who Happens to be the Most Virtuous Guy in the Kingdom, or just Mario for short.. He had quite a résumé of virtuous deeds and accomplishments which included a 10,547 page poem titled “A Winter Bog Smelleth So Sweet.”

Mario was well noted for his handsome looks, his dashing demeanor, and his complete and utter refusal to jump in the sack with even the most beautiful of maidens. He called it his personal respect for divine beauty and all that is virtuous. Some said he was a snob, others said he was gay, but somehow, nobody really thought badly of him (you know, with him having that great amount of virtue and all).

Queen Leena couldn’t really be bothered with any of this and so she immediately dispensed with the pleasantries and insisted that Mario go and rescue Princess Vera in time for her birthday. Of course, Mario, being the virtuous guy that he was, did not feel worthy enough to complete this task without first proving himself to the queen. To do this, he decided that he must recite the entirety of “A Winter Bog Smelleth So Sweet” in all of its splendid grandeur. Queen Leena would never get back to playing bridge at this rate. So, instead, she sent a slightly less well-known knight to rescue Princess Vera. His name was Bob.

Bob wasn’t such a bad guy. He simply seemed to have the problem of never being noticed. Fortunately, no one noticed when he slipped out to rescue the princess while Mario was reciting the fifty-second canto which was exploring the imagery of “chalky honey” and “princely barflies.”

Bob really had no idea where to look first, but by random luck he began his search in the Hajubu Forest (Hajubu meaning: “Hideout of all Cliché Medieval Supervillans”). He simply decided to start wandering randomly through the forest in search of clues. He didn’t have a good idea about what he was supposed to do, but hey, he was new to this hero business.

hile Bob was looking through the forest, this obviously absurd story suddenly cuts away to a scene with the kidnapper and the princess in hopes of achieving some dramatic affect. Unfortunately, this story really lacks any sense of style.

n another part of that same forest lives a devilishly evil man who always wears black to show the fact that he is devilishly evil. Nearby, is the beautify Princess Vera looking quite forlorn and upset. She is locked away inside of the roots of a very old tree. She has spent most of her time tugging and pulling on the roots of her cage with all of the drama that she could muster. Vera was very intent on filling her role of poor captured princess just in case anybody was watching.

The mysterious man in black has spent most of his time practicing rubbing his hands together while emitting a sinister laughter with a shit-eating grin. After all, he didn’t want to be upstaged by the antics of the princess.

“Why have you kidnapped me and brought me here?” asked the princess.

“Because I’m the bad guy, and that’s what we bad guys do. Ha ha ha ha ha!”

“But don’t you know that somebody will surely come and rescue me?” whined the princess.

“Of course!” retorted the man in black, “But there is no one who can save you! I have wrestled with the mightiest dragons! I have defeated the world’s greatest fighters! I have walked through the deepest realms of fiery hell and survived! I have eaten asparagus and enjoyed it! There is nothing your pathetic hero can do to me! I will squish him like a grape! Ha ha ha ha ha!”

“Oh woe is me!” cried the princess, “Will no one come and save me?”

“Yes! No one will save you! Ha ha ha ha ha!”

The man in black choked on the last “ha” but, other than that, he seemed more than ready to squish anyone like a grape.

eanwhile, Bob continues his apparently hopeless search. And then, suddenly, something happens. It is a truly terrible event that will forever affect the way that we perceive cake, but fortunately, it has nothing to do with Bob. This is good, because he didn’t notice anyway. He was too busy running into the strange old woman that had suddenly appeared in front of him.

“Oh! Hello. Who are you?” asked Bob in sudden amazement.

“I’m a plot elemental,” said the haggard old woman in a wiry voice.

“A what?” replied Bob.

“I’m one of those things that a tired author puts in a story to try and end the misery of his writing process. I am the dam that stops a plot from going nowhere! I am the end of readers boredom and the solution to all of your problems! Ha ha ha ha ha!”

Bob looked somewhat confused.

“What was that sudden fit of laughter for?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” replied the old lady, “I thought it might heighten the drama a bit.”

Bob looked even more confused.

“I’m sorry, but I have absolutely no idea as to what you’re talking about.”

The old lady frowned and shook her head.

“Look, do you want to rescue the princess or what?”

“How did you know I was looking for the princess?” demanded Bob in sudden astonishment.

“I told you already, I’m a plot elemental! Now look, do you want help or not?”

Bob looked thoughtful for a moment while not a single notion went through his head.

“Yes, yes. I don’t understand who you are, but I will take any help I can get.”

“Okay okay!” said the old woman as she reached into her satchel hand handed a detailed piece of paper to Bob, “Here’s a map of the forest. The red dot represents ‘you are here’ and the ‘x’ represents where the princess is. Just follow the instructions printed here on the side and you should have no trouble.”

The old lady again reached into her satchel and this time, pulled out an oddly shaped piece of metal and wood which she handed to Bob.

“This is a twelve-gauge shot gun. It is otherwise known as the ‘boom stick.’ Just point it at the bad guy and pull this trigger here. Remember to keep this end away from your face.”

Bob looked at the strange contraption and seemed to admire its sleekness and its apparent oddity. The old woman looked at him with eye’s of futile disgust and once again pointed at the barrel of the gun.

“Remember, keep this part of the gun away from your face. Oh, and one more thing; if all else fails and you can’t defeat your enemy with the ‘boom stick’ then remember this word.”

“Which word?” Bob asked.

“Ping!”

“Ping?”

“No, no no. You have to say it with a high loud pitch, with gusto!”

“Ping?”

“No, ping!”

“Ping!”

“Yes! Ping!”

“Ping!” went Bob.

“Ping!” went the old woman.

“Ping!” went Bob.

“Yes! Like a tuning fork!”

“Like a what?” asked Bob.

“Oh, never mind. Just get going. This story has gone on long enough!”

Bob packed the gun away in his bag and flashed a quick smile at the old lady. Then, with the aid of his map, he began to head off to the north. As he left the old lady behind, she shouted after him.

“And remember! Ping!” said the old lady.

“Ping!” said Bob.

“Ping!” said the old lady.

“Ping!” said Bob.

And on and on until they couldn’t hear each other anymore. The next few hours were terribly boring as Bob wandered around the forest following the map. This isn’t really the fault of the author. It’s just that Bob had terrible map reading skills. But, eventually he did find the secluded hideout of the infamous man in black.

hen he arrived, the man in black was waiting for him. The man in black stood directly in between the imprisoned princess and the point where Bob had entered the clearing. The man in black practiced the most sinister laugh he could manage. Bob was impressed.

“Oh thank you! Someone has finally come to save me!” cried the princess in a glorious plea for attention.

“Ha ha ha ha! You’ll have to come through me first, you pathetic little knight!” laughed the man in black.

“Let her go or I will be forced to kill you!” cried Bob. This was his first try at issuing demands and making threats. Not bad, but it was a little heavy handed.

“Ha ha ha ha! That’s exactly what I want you to try and do so that I can squish you like a grape!” said the man in black, being particularly fond of that “squish like a grape” simile.

Deciding that it was best to be chivalrous first (and having no respect for quickly advancing the plot), Bob drew his sword instead of the twelve-gauge.

“Defend yourself!” cried Bob as he rushed at the man in black.

In a flash, the man in black drew his own sword and easily parried Bob’s attack.

Despite his initial failure, Bob continued to attack at the man in black. Each time, he was blocked and sent careening to the ground. It was clear that the man in black was having a lot of fun. The princess decided that now was a good a time as any to file her nails.

“Give up, there is no way to defeat me!” laughed the man in black.

Bob was clearly not having a good time. At this point, he definitely agreed with the idea of bringing this misery of a story to a rapid close.

“Don’t be so sure you’ve won yet you bad man!” cried Bob.

“Oh yeah? Just what are you going to do? Bleed on me? Ha ha ha ha ha!”

Now Bob reached into his pack and pulled out the twelve-gauge. Being very careful not to point the wrong end at his face, he aimed it directly at the man in black.

“What’s that?” asked the man in black, “one of your little toys? Ha ha ha ha!”

“No, its my ‘BOOM STICK’!” cried Bob.

“Oh really. Well, BOOM! Ha ha ha ha!”

Bob was getting quite tired of all of that hideous laughter. To do away with it, he took careful aim and pulled the trigger just like the old lady had instructed.

The man in black stood there with a bloody gaping hole in his chest. He seemed to be very upset.

“Ow,” said the man in black. He then proceeded to look at the hole in his chest and then fall over. He was quite dead.

Bob dropped the gun and ran over to where the princess was held. Seeing that she was trapped by the roots of the tree, he whipped out his sword and began hacking away at the roots. In time, he managed to get her free and he helped her step out of her cage.

“Oh thank you,” she said in a somewhat less than excited voice, “It took you long enough to get here!”

“I’m sorry,” said Bob, “but I had a terrible time finding the place.”

“Oh well, what’s important is that I’m rescued now. By the way, that’s a pretty impressive rod you’ve got there.”

“Thank you,” said Bob somewhat embarrassed, “I’m just glad it worked. I didn’t want to have to say that silly magic word.”

“What magic word?” asked the princess.

“Oh, its nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“No, I’m curious. What is it?”

“Really your majesty, its nothing.”

“Sir knight, I must insist. What is the magic word?”

Bob was really embarrassed by this entire conversation, but he couldn’t displease the princess, so he decided to say the magic word.

“Ping!” he said with perfect tone.

“Aaaaarrrrrrruggggggaaaa!” screamed the princess as she melted into a pile of gelatinous green goo.

Bob was quite astonished by the fact that the princess had just turned into lime jello, but he didn’t seem too terribly upset.

“Oh well,” he thought, “she was a whiny little brat anyway.”